


Disarranged

by Bigdealrebel (Cammerel)



Series: FinnPoe - Arranged Marriage Universe [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Finn is kind of a bad ass sith or something, First Meetings Again, Force-Sensitive Finn, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Nightmares, No Force Awakens, POV Finn (Star Wars), Reconditioning, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-06-15 02:58:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15403452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cammerel/pseuds/Bigdealrebel
Summary: A sequel of Arrangement, but can be read alone.Sometimes FN-2187 has dreams of what can only be described as the most beautiful man in the galaxy. FN-2187 can only remember the taste and smell of his breath, the curl and softness of a lock of hair, the feeling of the other man's eyelashes against his cheek or thigh, the warmth of his fingers pressing into his skin.





	1. Nightmares

Sometimes FN-2187 has dreams of what can only be described as the most beautiful man in the galaxy.

Though, if he were asked, he could never describe one specific thing about what the man looks like after he's woken from the dreams. It seems strange, knowing and referring to him as ‘the most beautiful man in the galaxy’ and not being able to remember what he looks like.

FN-2187 can only remember the taste and smell of his breath, the curl and softness of a lock of hair, the feeling of the other man's eyelashes against his cheek or thigh, the warmth of his fingers pressing into his skin.

He doesn't know why or how he knows that the man is beautiful, just that it's something he can feel deep inside of him - under the muscle and veins and tendons, something stirring the marrow in his bones.

Sometimes FN-2187 considers them to be nightmares instead of dreams.

Up until a few months ago, FN-2187 had never even had such a thing. Or, if he had, he had made sure to have it reconditioned. But no amount of wiping his mind can stop it from being plagued by the man. Every dream or nightmare brings to him thoughts that terrify him and keep him awake at night.

He would not consider it a ‘common terror’. But the ache he feels after the fact remains despite knowing that all of it is made up in his head. He can never place where he formed such an imagination.

FN-2187 has tried time and time again to rid himself of it all. And he’ll be lucky to get a night or two of uninterrupted sleep before he can feel the mouth on parts of his body no one else has touched. Lucky to not dream of undying devotion, of wants and hopes.

Sometimes the dreams show him things that he knows he'll never have.

Things that a stormtrooper should never have. Things that he's convinced a stormtrooper should not even know of. Things that he's scared to learn more about or explore on his own. Things that make his job hard and harder to endure.

What lips are used for other than what he's been taught, what hands can be used for other than killing, what bodies can be used for other than as an instrument of destruction.

FN-2187 has nightmares of sleeping in bed with another person, of holding them through their own nightmares, of wearing the clothes of a member of the Resistance, of tastes and smells that make his mouth water and his eyes fill with tears.

* * *

_“No please, no.”_

_“Please, don’t… don’t take him from me.”_

_“It’s always a shame to see such potential wasted on a spineless drone.”_

_“You-”_

_“I know.”_

_He can barely make out the words..._

_He tries to follow… he needs a plan..._

_His hands are bloodied... mind spinning as he stands..._

_He hurries to the bedroom... he dresses, painstakingly slow..._

_His vision goes out..._

_He wakes again..._

_He finishes putting on the armor..._

_He carries himself out to meet the landing ships..._

* * *

He sits up quickly, the sheet spilling onto his lap, sweat on his upper lip and drizzling down from his temple.

FN-2187 shivers despite the heat, chest heaving with haggard, broken breaths as he curls in on himself. He clutches his stomach, the burning sensation of his scar searing when the skin is pulled, but he ignores it.

He rolls onto his side, stares at the wall and wipes his face.

Barely, he can hear the words from his nightmare.

_“Please, don’t… don’t take him from me.”_

FN-2187 can’t place the voice. He’s never heard it, he doesn’t remember it at all. But it’s familiar and real to him unlike anything else he’s ever felt or heard before.

* * *


	2. Voices

“When they told me you were back in here for reconditioning, I didn’t believe them.”

FN-2187 walks past the red-skinned sith to the far wall to retrieve his armor, “Not that it’s your concern.”

“It /is/ my concern,” he can feel her eyes on him as he pulls on his shirt, “It’s happening every week. Reconditioning shouldn’t be done as often as you seem to deem it necessary.”

FN-2187 stops, turning to look at her with narrowed brows, “I keep dreaming.”

Yez-mera stills, her arms crossed over her chest, “Dreaming?”

“Yes.”

“You’re force-sensitive. That’s to be expected.”

“I don’t want them.”

She laughs, “You are /force-sensitive/, you don’t have a choice in the matter. What are you doing?”

“Leaving.”

“Your armor?”

FN-2187 doesn’t even look back, “I’m done wearing the armor of my subordinates.”

He doesn’t explain himself further. He doesn’t describe in detail how he can remember the feeling of something other than the only thing he’s known his whole life. Clothes that don’t pinch and smack together, clothes that allow your skin to breathe.

And while he’s tentative about his force-sensitivity, it doesn’t deter him from dressing properly.

Any uniform, like what Hux wore when he was alive, twists his stomach. Dressing in any kind of leather like both Kylo Ren and Yez-mera seems counterproductive.

He dresses light, for comfort and ease of movement, and if his army of stormtroopers pause each time they pass him in the halls, he doesn’t take note of it.

Days blur together as he trains to better harness the force. He’s determined to stay as far removed from the terms ‘sith’ or ‘jedi’, but it’s a part of him - a useful part that he might as well come to terms with and use to his advantage. If the gun is in reach, why not wield it?

* * *

_“You’re getting water on the ground-”_

_“Shut up.”_

_The man naked and neck deep in water moans when their lips meet._

_Hands wrap over his shoulder, soaking the collar of his shirt._

_He can feel his second foot submerge, the pant legs clinging to his ankles, and then he drops to his knees._

_Hands curl in wet hair, lifting the beautiful man and forcing his mouth open._

_“I missed you-” the naked man whimpers._

_He can taste blood, his teeth sinking into the bottom lip._

_Hands move down, trying to pull off his shirt, trying to grab bare thighs, hoisting him into his lap._

_He drops his mouth to the man’s chest, rocking their bodies together._

* * *

FN-2187 opens his eyes, body still in the darkness as he catches his breath. He starts to turn over when he feels the uncomfortable, sticky slosh of wetness against the front of his boxers.

He showers, changes out the sheets himself, and then settles with his legs crossed and closes his eyes.

But he can’t get the feelings out of his mind.

He can’t remove the stubble burn, the taste of blood in his mouth, and despite being dry he feels soaking wet.

Eventually, he dresses and leaves the room, walking to the command room. As much as he wants to purge the dream from his mind, he’s begun experiencing side effects from his repeated efforts.

It’s fine.

He’ll let them build and wipe them out when he can.

For now, he’ll have to suffer.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“Why are we in pursuit?”

Yez’mera looks back at him, a sneer or smile on her face, he sometimes can’t tell the difference, “You were sleeping when we received it, but we received interesting intel from one of our bases on Yavin IV.”

“Of?”

“A possible temporary Resistance base.”

FN-2187 balls his fist, “Can’t have that happening.”

“No, we can’t.”

“I take it you haven’t alerted the stormtroopers,” FN-2187 assumes, making a motion to one of the pilots and looking back to the sith, “How close are we?”

“Nearly there.”

FN-2187 doesn’t ask or press when she was planning to alert him, he knows she’s been undermining him for months now. He’s bothered by it, but he doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.

He puts his hands behind his back, waiting silently and rolling his shoulders as his mind goes back to the dream he’d experienced.

It was nothing like he’s felt before.

He’s not familiar with the feeling, but he knows what it’s called. /Pleasure/. Something they’re careful to purge out of every last stormtrooper, something that was purged from him long ago. How he can even dream of something like it is disturbing.

The feeling keeps gnawing at the back of his mind, curling around repression scars, trying to draw out things that don’t exist anymore.

_“We’re at peace.”_

FN-2187 glances around, but no one speaks when he meets their gazes.

_“No more reconditioning...”_

He shifts uncomfortably.

_“... no more feeling guilty…”_

He narrows his eyes at Yez’mera and she finally looks up to see him watching her.

“... _no more orders…”_

“Got something to say?”

He shakes his head, turning to leave the room when he hears his own voice.

_“All we have is the mission, and the next, and the one after that.”_

“Where are you going?”

FN-2187 doesn’t look back, hurriedly leaving and shoving back the words flooding through his mind as he makes his way down to reconditioning.

He shouldn’t.

But he can’t do anything with these /voices/ in his head. Especially his own.

_“We don’t have hope.”_

“Captain,” the woman says nervously when he steps into the room, “I told you not to come back for at least another two weeks.”

“This can’t be helped.”

“You can’t handle another reconditioning.”

FN-2187 narrows his eyes, “If you do it /correctly/, then maybe I won’t be having this problem.”

_“None of them even know about any of this.”_

“Lo-”

FN-2187 lifts his hand, fingers curling as she starts to gasp and clutch at her throat, “I don’t care what you need to do to make it work, /I don’t want to have these dreams/.”

“S-s-”

He releases her, letting her breathe, “This needs to be done, otherwise I’ll have you replaced.”

The woman opens her mouth to speak, but then stops and nods. She motions to the bed, “Alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is already fully posted elsewhere (20k words). For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	3. The Chump

FN-2187 joins the stormtroopers on the ground, relieving a few of their current struggles in combat. He swipes up the side of the nearest resistance member, kicking the body away and pulling the lightsaber from his side.

Like an unstoppable force, he clears through three more, swinging his arm out and bringing the handle back to flick it back and take out the man coming up behind him.

Yez’mera joins his side and lunges forward to engage in combat with a few more jacketed soldiers.

He leaves her to it, moving fluidly through the right side of the battlefield, hardly batting an eye if a stormtrooper or two get in the way. He holds his palm out, throwing back a group of soldiers behind a small barricade and then leaps over them, slicing down in one movement to take out four of them.

“FINN!”

He turns, lifting a brow when he sees the woman standing there - the Resistance jedi, Rey. He hasn’t seen her since the last time they fought, but she wears the scar well.

“My apologies,” he steps back from the bodies, motioning to them, “A friend of yours, I’m assuming.”

“I didn’t believe it,” Rey says, shaking her head, “I didn’t want to believe it. How could you?”

“I don’t know if you’re talking to me or yourself, but I’m tired of it already,” FN-2187 brings up his lightsaber, seeing her flinch, “Let’s get this over with.”

“Wait!”

He stops, glancing at the traitor - Ben Solo - and only lowering his lightsaber slightly. He almost didn’t notice the man with his short hair, but it’s just more of a reminder that the sith known as Kylo Ren is no more.

“Wait, Finn, please,” the man says, holding a hand up.

FN-2187 narrows his eyes, bracing himself.

The two move out of the way and FN-2187 half anticipates someone armed with a blaster, a sniper rifle, or something of the like. But the man standing there is unarmed, eyes wide as they look him over.

FN-2187 stares at him for barely a second when the entire battlefield erupts.

Wind and rocks fly past them, the three Resistance members duck and FN-2187 doesn’t bother glancing back to see what’s happening. He lashes out, the end of his lightsaber slicing across Ben’s chest and he ducks the attack from Rey, hitting her hard enough in the stomach to lift her feet from the ground and then he blasts her back off her feet.

“Finn!”

“No!”

He turns to meet Ben’s blade, growling in anger as the two spark together.

“So much for the Resistance,” he spits, pushing back until Ben falters and he swings his arm, catching the attempts to thrust the blade towards his stomach, “Sure you had a chance, but now look at you.”

“I’m not giving up on you, Finn,” Ben responds, “If I can turn, I know you can.”

“I don’t know who ‘Finn’ is, but he sounds like a chump.”

FN-2187 blocks another aimed hit, pulling his arm back and slamming his elbow into Ben’s chest.

Another lightsaber comes in, stopping him from delivering a mortal blow and he turns to see the man they had shown him before. His eyes are still wide and during his and Ben’s exchange must have scrambled over to the downed jedi, Rey, and taken up her blade.

“Weak,” he says, shoving from their engagement effortlessly and spreading his legs wider as he observes the man, “Let’s see what you’ve got, Pilot.”

“Finn.”

“Stop calling me that,” FN-2187 growls in annoyance, “I don’t know who that is, I don’t know why you keep saying that.”

“You know me, please-”

“Poe Dameron, black leader, of course I know you, you Resistance scum!” FN-2187 swings his arm, Poe barely meeting blades and he steps back to try and absorb the blow, but FN-2187 moves in too fast for him to catch himself.

“Finn-”

FN-2187 shouts in annoyance, shoving the lightsaber away and hitting him in the face. He throws his hand out, knocking the man back and slamming him into the solid base of a tree.

Poe slumps, feet barely keeping him up.

FN-2187 blocks the lightsaber again, reaching out and grabbing the man by the collar of his shirt.

He pulls him in, “I wasn’t born yesterday, of course I know who you are-” he stops, his own strength holding up the bulk of Poe’s weight, the pilot’s arms dropping, the handle of the lightsaber hitting the ground.

He sees the lashes flutter open, the dazed eyes staring up at him with a wariness and tire that can only come on from continuous restless nights, the blood on his lips, the stubble, the curled mess of hair shaken out but shorter than it should be.

FN-2187’s eyes widen, the lightsaber dropping from his own hand and he feels something twinging in the back of his mind.

“Kill him.”

He stops, turning to see Yez’mera, exhausted and war scarred, waiting for him to finish.

“Kill him already, we’ve got a job to finish here, FN-2187.”

_“Good. Kill him…”_

FN-2187 stares at her.

_“Kill him, and I won’t tell General Hux about the eight stormtroopers you took out.”_

_“I’d sooner die.”_ \- “I’d sooner die.”

Yez’mera’s face twists, “What did you say?”

FN-2187 shakes his head slightly, breaking out of the memory. He starts to lift his lightsaber when the sith throws her hand out and him and Poe fly back through the trees.

He lands hard, standing and holding his side when he sees the man nearby. Panic stirs in him and he moves quickly, running over to turn him onto his back.

FN-2187 checks his pulse, touches his shoulder, starts to pat his cheek when he stops.

His hand moves up, fingers running through the soft, sweat-slick hair.

The memory takes over.

_He can feel the lips, his own lips, touching the man’s temple, his cheek, his jaw. His own arms wrapped around the sleeping form._

And then the eyes flutter open.

“F-... Finn.”

FN-2187 narrows his eyes.

_“I’m not gonna call you that... What about… Finn. What do you think of that?”_

FN-2187 frowns in confusion, muttering lowly, “Yeah, you… you can call me that.”

He watches the smile slowly spread across the man’s busted lip and Poe reaches up to him.

“You… remember?”

FN-2187 shakes his head.

“I think it’s time to finally put you out of your misery.”

FN-2187 turns, standing and looking at Yez’mera through the darkness of the trees surrounding them, her lightsaber giving the area a red glow.

“You’ve had your chances. I’ve given you more than enough of them, but you keep defecting. It’s time to put you down.”

/Chances?/

/Keep defecting?/

He has a thousand questions, but before he can ask any of them, the large zabrak charges him.

He reaches, pulling his lightsaber to him and igniting it just in time to block her attack. The black blade flickers barely in the dark and he shoves her back to gain the upperhand.

“You had the strength to become one of the most powerful sith in the galaxy!” Yez’mera shouts, face contorting, “You could lead the First Order through countless battles! You could have planets cowering at your feet!”

FN-2187 catches the tip of her blade, twisting his arm down to meet it again before bringing his arm back up when she comes down against him, leaning her entire weight in.

“You’re weak, you’ve always been weak,” she hisses, “A weak coward incapable of thinking or standing on his own. That’s why you were a stormtrooper to begin with.”

He doesn’t respond, not bothering to humor her anger, he shoves her back.

She takes a few steps, glancing to the side when Poe finally starts to get up from the ground of the jungle floor.

When she turns her attention to him, FN-2187 moves between them, his stomach twisting.

“This is between you and me. Leave him out of it.”

“He’s just as much a part of this fight as you are,” Yez’mera holds out her lightsaber, pointing it over his shoulder, “You’re next, pretty boy.”

FN-2187 flicks his wrist, knocking her blade away and he immediately goes on the offensive, driving her back with each swing of his arm. He steps out of her way when she lunges, grabbing her arm and twisting it up.

“You really think they’ll take you back?”

He squeezes, forcing her to drop her lightsaber and he catches it but not before he kicks her back, foot planted firm in her chest.

The moment she hits the ground, he takes up the blade, holding both in his hands as he stares down at her.

“After everything you’ve done?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says dismissively, stepping in and raising his left arm, “It’s over.”

“Finn, don’t!”

He stops, looking at Poe. He can barely make out the other man in the dark, but there are those wide eyes again, watching him.

“Don’t, please. Don’t kill her.”

“Too bad.”

He turns, the sith rising as she holds out her hand to him. He tries to move but quickly realizes that he had let his guard down. It was just for a second, but it was enough.

“That’s gonna cost you, pretty boy,” Yez’mera says, taking her lightsaber from FN-2187’s hand and turning on the shaking pilot.

FN-2187 grits his teeth.

_“I want it to work out.”_

_“Me too.”_

His vision blurs.

_“You had a nightmare.”_

_“Did I wake you up?”_

_“No.”_

His entire body shakes.

_“I wanna be a good husband to you.”_

His feet shift against the ground.

_“I’ll show you, I’ll prove it, just tell me what you want.”_

The lightsaber swings out hard and fast, so quick that Poe and FN-2187 both could’ve blinked and missed it.

Yez’mera stills in her tracks, eyes wide.

“Oh… no.”

Her body splits, from her right shoulder to her left hip, the pieces collapsing together.

FN-2187 looks down at her, his knees still braced, one hand holding out the blade. His gaze goes back up to Poe as the other man starts stumbling to him.

“You’re bleeding.”

He straightens when hands reach out to touch him, cupping his cheeks.

“Here, uh,” Poe steps back, taking off his jacket and then his overshirt, pressing it to FN-2187’s nose.

At once the smell that fills his senses is both unfamiliar and as close to the word ‘home’ as he might ever understand.

“Did… do…” he frowns as he takes the shirt to hold it in place, “Do we know each other?”

Poe smiles sadly, “All of that, and you don’t even remember who I am?”

FN-2187 shakes his head.

“I figured as much,” Poe says, his voice suddenly breaking on the third word and he pulls back, turning away as his shoulders start shaking.

FN-2187 watches him, unsure what to do or how to react.

The man’s hands drop to his waist, resting on his hip as his upper body continues to tremble.

“I’m… I’m sorry?” FN-2187 tries, disappointed when they start to shake more violently.

Poe looks back then, face broken and tears on his cheeks as he stares at FN-2187, “You really don’t remember a single thing about me, do you? You don’t remember the treaty, the marriage, you…” he moves in, searching FN-2187’s eyes, “You’re really not Finn… anymore… are you?”

FN-2187 slowly shakes his head, “I’m… no. That-I don’t know that name.”

He stands there awkwardly as the man collapses, tentatively pulling back the shirt from his face. He takes a seat in the grass beside Poe, resting the soft fabric in his hands.

“I think I remember some things,” he admits then, looking out at the still lake, “Not a lot, but some things.”

Poe looks at him, bottom lip trembling.

“I had dreams.”

Poe laughs, looking genuinely surprised, “Dreams? You?”

“Yeah.”

“You never have dreams,” Poe chuckles, another tear falling down his cheek as he turns away again, “I’m the one riddled with nightmares.”

“The force has been… trying to get my memories back, I think,” FN-2187 voices aloud, motioning to the shirt, “They told me being reconditioned again and again to try and suppress them would have side effects. I think every time I try to push them back, the force tries to put them in place again.”

Poe listens silently, pulling his legs to his chest.

“I don’t remember a lot. I remember words, phrases, feelings. I remember you,” he looks at Poe, waiting until their eyes meet, “What were we? Were we together?”

“We were married,” Poe confirms tentatively.

“I couldn’t ever place… all of you,” FN-2187 explains further, “When I woke I didn’t have a face to put to what you made me feel. But I could taste you, smell you everywhere, I could remember sensations that I’ve never had before.”

“So, as far as you know, you never stopped being Captain FN-2187,” Poe says, voice so low and small that FN-2187 could’ve easily missed it, “I’d kill her…” he glances back, “If uh… if you didn’t already.”

FN-2187 follows his gaze, “You didn’t want me to. But I just-I don’t know if it was possible to save you without taking her out.”

“You’re right,” Poe sighs, “It’s not the first time she’s threatened me.” He clears his throat, standing up and offering a hand to FN-2187, “Well, I guess it’s… nice to meet you.”

FN-2187 takes the hand and stands, arms at his side when Poe hurriedly lets go.

“At least now you’re free,” Poe holds his hands out, then tucks them in his pockets, “I uh… I guess that’s it.”

FN-2187 frowns, brows furrowing when the pilot starts to back away, turning to leave, “Uhm, Poe?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

_“That’s right, buddy,” - “You okay there, buddy?” - “More than okay, buddy.”_

FN-2187 stops, blinks, swallows, then clears his throat, “I don’t want this to stop here.”

Poe stills, bottom lip tucking into his mouth, “Mm?”

_“You…” Poe bites his lip, “You’re /not/ just a stormtrooper anymore, okay? We’re at peace. We’ve been reassigned together. We’re getting married in less than two hours. Our entire lives are changing… together. Which means you and I are the only things that matter.”_

FN-2187 straightens his back, “I may not be him now, but I want to be him,” he says, “They took that from me. But maybe if I focus more on strengthening my connection with the force, I can get him back.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to place bets on something like that,” Poe tells him, “It’s been a while. I was barely able to put everything behind me before. I don’t know… FN-2187.”

Hearing Poe call him by his slave name hits him harder than he expects it to.

He drops his shoulders, “I understand. I’ll respect that.”

“Your nose is bleeding again.”

FN-2187 lifts his hand to wipe it away.

Poe watches him, his lips quirking in some sort of half-hearted attempt to hide his sadness, “We should get back. I gotta get a body count and see how many people you killed.”

FN-2187 stills, finally following after Poe and dropping his head.

Before he leaves, he takes the lightsaber from Yez’mera’s body, abandoning the corpse in the jungle and trekking back through them to the quiet battleground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is already fully posted elsewhere (20k words). For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	4. Attendance

FN-2187 attends the burial and memorial for the fallen soldiers on Yavin IV. Afterwards he helps in the relief effort, rebuilding what he can and assigning his stormtroopers to assist. They, as well, set up their own camp.

Rehabilitation for them won’t be easy, but FN-2187 will try his best to guide them in the right direction.

Things between him and Poe are tense at best, though they see enough of one another, him being the leader of the stormtroopers and what remains of the first order and Poe being one of the three generals of the Resistance.

Things are also tense between him and some of the people in the Resistance. He can’t blame them, he takes full responsibility, but the glares and snide remarks follow him everywhere he goes.

When he’s not helping rebuild, he spends his spare time trying to harness the force. It isn’t easy. He’s been in strong denial over it most of his life, and the only times he’s been completely taken over by it have been riddled with strong emotions.

Through rigorous meditation, he begins to gain some ground, repressing the memories until they don’t come when he’s asleep. He’s not sure if it’s the right route, but if he’s ever going to be able to move on with his life, he has to let whatever happened before go.

While on Yavin IV, he dresses light. He had been wearing three layers of clothing before, but he quickly realizes how impractical it is on a planet that feels just as hot if you’re naked.

He doesn’t strip completely, but the last layer of clothing at least offers him some breathing room.

* * *

The man sitting in the chair looks smaller than he really is, curled up with his legs under himself.

FN-2187 joins him, sitting quietly at his side with his hands in his lap. He’s not sure if he’s ever felt shame before, if it was erased from his memory, but he feels it now deeper than he would’ve thought possible.

“She’ll be okay,” Ben says after a long silence.

“The doctor said she hasn’t even woken up yet. What if she’s not?”

Ben shakes his head, “The force works differently for everyone. The same thing happened the last time she fought you.” He looks at FN-2187 then, “I feel you with us again. /Are/ you with us again?”

“I don’t know what I am.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

FN-2187 watches him, frowning, “How can you have so much faith in something like the force? After everything it’s done for you, how-”

“The force is not what made me turn to the dark side,” Ben stares at him calmly, “Snoke is. The force did not separate my relationship with my parents and myself, I did. The force brought me to Rey, and Rey saved me from myself. That’s all it’s ever done. The circumstances around the rest of my life were done by others, not the force. Don’t turn your back on it when it can save you.”

“Ben…”

Ben’s eyes widen and he stands immediately, wincing at his own wounds but moving to the edge of the bed despite them. He takes her small hand in his, lifting her fingers to his lips.

FN-2187 starts to stand and leave, but stops when Rey speaks again.

“Finn, please, tell me you didn’t kill him.”

“I didn’t, he’s alive.”

“I… ah.”

FN-2187 turns to try and assist her, but she smiles at him and motions for him to come closer.

“How is it you always come out of our fights completely unscathed?” she asks, moving her hand from Ben’s to his own.

He glances nervously at Ben.

“She’s teasing you,” the taller man explains, “You /would/ make a skilled fighter to train with.”

“Is Poe-”

“He’s fine,” Ben growls, “Stop worrying about others, you’ve been unconscious for three days.”

Rey’s eyes widen, “Three days? Has it really been that long?”

Ben reaches up, touching his thumb to her forehead.

FN-2187 looks away when she leans into his touch. It’s a vulnerable moment between the two that makes him feel like he shouldn’t even be in the same room.

“Finn?”

He doesn’t turn when she calls his name.

“I’m so glad you’re back with us.”

He clears his throat, nodding, “I should get going.”

“Come visit. I want to spar with you once I’m back on my feet.”

“Once you’re back on your feet and are able to do more than take a shower by yourself.”

“What’s the fun if it’s by myself?”

He leaves hurriedly, walking out of the medbay before he hears anything more inappropriate.

“Filthy sith,” a woman says to him as he passes the entrance, but he doesn’t look back, doesn’t tense at the harsh exchange.

If he let them all bother him, it would drive him mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! I'm sorry about the delay here. And I'm sorry for the short chapter after such a long delay. I'm making it up by posting the next part tomorrow, to get back on schedule. Time got away from me.
> 
> That said, if you hate waiting, you can go to my tumblr (bigdealrebel) to find full versions of everything I post here.
> 
> -(A)


	5. Blame

FN-2187 nails down the last corner of the tarp in position just as the rain starts to come down. It’s light now, but he knows it’ll get worse. It’s unfortunate, because he’s just been sleeping under the stars since they landed, but he’ll manage somehow.

“Ah, kriff.”

He looks up to see the long tear across one of the tarps another person was working on.

“Are there any more?”

“Mind yourself.”

FN-2187 holds out his hands, “I’m trying to help. This equipment /needs/ covering. Are you really going to let your hatred for me hinder the effort?”

The man makes a twisted face and responds, “There are more tarps back at the base.”

FN-2187 nods, setting down his hammer, “I’ll get it, don’t worry. Just keep going.”

“... Thanks, sith scum.”

He waves back behind him, moving quickly so that he can beat the rest of the rain before it really starts pouring down.

He reaches the base and heads towards the storage unit, where he’s assuming they are.

_“Don’t bother, I’ll order more.”_

FN-2187 steps through the door just as someone turns and walks right into him, nearly knocking themselves over.

“Fi-” he stops, “Uh, FN-2187, hey. What’s going on? Did you guys manage to get everything covered?”

“One of the tarps taken was torn,” FN-2187 says, putting in real effort not to think of the slip up on his name.

“Oh, okay,” Poe turns to one of the shelves, squatting and grabbing another before offering it to him, “Your stormtroopers gonna be okay in the rain?”

“Yeah,” FN-2187 says shortly, taking the tarp, “Thanks.”

He turns to leave, walking back out into the rain. It’s still light, maybe it won’t be too much of a set back.

“You sure? We have some space if you guys need it.”

FN-2187 glances back to see Poe following after him, “Uh… they have a temporary base set up.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s not much, but they can handle a small rain.”

“Yavin IV doesn’t really do small rains.”

“Mm.”

Poe finally joins his side, watching him as they walk back, “Really though-”

“Do you want something, Poe?” FN-2187 stops, turning to give him his full attention.

Poe’s eyes widen, “N-not really, I thought I could help, at least.”

“We can handle it.”

“I just-it’s… I haven’t seen you in a while,” he flounders, holding his arms out, “It’s nice seeing you. It hurts, but it’s nice to know you’re around.”

FN-2187 narrows his brows, staring at Poe and then starting back off at a brisk pace.

“What? What did I say?”

He doesn’t respond.

“So you /have/ been avoiding me,” Poe says then, chuckling, “I figured as much, but-”

FN-2187 stops again, this time causing Poe to run into him and he turns back once more, “I’m not avoiding you. I’m helping your people, I’m doing what I can. If I really wanted to avoid you, I’d leave.”

“I just… I don’t see you-”

“Because you’re a general and you’re busy with other problems.”

“You’re a general too,” Poe says, “Aren’t you? You’re a leader as well.”

FN-2187 sighs in annoyance, “Can we do this some /other/ time, when people don’t need me?”

“I need you just as much as-”

“No,” FN-2187 lifts his hand, shoving his pointed finger against Poe’s chest and pushing him back, “You don’t get to say that to me. You don’t. You can’t not want me and then wonder why I’m not there after the fact. I made my peace with your decision-”

“Fi-FN-21-”

“Stop,” FN-2187 cuts him off and steps back, “You wanna talk about this, you wanna talk about us? Choose a /different/ time.”

And then he leaves, walking faster than before.

He’s lost precious time, the rain is getting even harder now, but he can’t stay and talk everything over with Poe. He feels bad just leaving it how it is, but he can’t.

“I’ll help,” FN-2187 says when he reaches the equipment, grabbing his own hammer and spikes before offering out one end of the tarp. He nearly does a double take when he sees Poe join him again, taking another corner of it.

FN-2187 doesn’t say anything, nailing the spike in silently and moving over to do the same with the corner Poe has.

Once finished, he stands back upright and offers the tools to the man he’d been working with, “Go ahead back to camp, sorry about the wait.”

“It’s fine, thanks,” the man shrugs, “Good job out here, it would’ve been a mess if we hadn’t had you to help.”

FN-2187 watches him leave, checking the rest of the pins to make sure everything is in place. It shouldn’t surprise him that the man would act like a saint when Poe’s around, but it does. He genuinely half-expected the man to start spitting more slurs at him.

“What are you doing?”

“Making sure-” FN-2187 stops and looks at Poe, “What are /you/ doing?”

“Making sure you get back to your camp just fine.”

“I don’t need help with that,” FN-2187 responds, “I don’t stay at the camp with the stormtroopers.”

Poe looks confused, “Why not?”

“I’m a person in a position of power,” FN-2187 explains, “To them, I’m more like a tyrant. They need to learn to take care of themselves. They can’t do that if they’re worried about me stepping on their toes every time they turn around.”

“But you /do/ check in on them, don’t you?”

FN-2187 shrugs, “Sometimes.”

“You know where they’re at?”

“Do you want to see?”

Poe smiles, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind seeing.”

FN-2187 motions for Poe to follow this time, leading him off through the woods.

“Look, I’m sorry about what I said earlier.”

“Which part?”

Poe sighs, silent for a beat or two before responding, “You’re right, it’s not fair of me after what I said to you, after… I don’t have any right to miss you after I pushed you away.”

“You have every right to feel whatever you want,” FN-2187 says, ducking through a group of vines, “But you don’t get to hold that against me.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

FN-2187 glances back at the other man, “I miss you too, it isn’t easy doing all of this. But I didn’t have much of a decision. It was your choice-”

“Which isn’t fair, either. You’re my hus-”

“I’m not your anything,” FN-2187 stops once more, “He is, he was… that’s not me.”

When Poe doesn’t immediately say something, FN-2187 turns around to look at him, to see the broken expression on his face.

“Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.”

Poe nods, swallowing tightly, “Right, maybe another time.”

“Maybe not at all.”

Poe’s gaze hardens.

“I’m not him, Poe,” FN-2187 says, “Things have changed. He’s gone. Maybe you should…”

“Maybe I should what?”

FN-2187 lets out a long, slow breath, crossing his arms over his chest, “Maybe you should bury him.”

Poe, for a second, looks personally offended. And then his brows bend down in the middle, eyes filling with tears.

FN-2187 could barely look at him when he was crying the last time, and now he’s went and done it again, “I mean it. I’m not trying to hurt you, Poe. I’m… I’m trying to make it easier. Maybe you should grieve, have a burial, memorial, whatever. Give yourself the opportunity to let go. He’s dead.”

“But you’re here.”

“You said it yourself,” FN-2187 holds his arms out, “You’re not ready to place bets on something like this. I look like him, but I’m not him. I just have… the pieces of whatever is left of him.”

“I’m not ready to let him go,” Poe says, his bottom lip trembling.

“Is anyone ever ready? He’s dead.”

“Don’t say that. He’s not dead.”

“He’s been dead since he lost his fight against Yez’mera back on Takodana,” FN-2187 says, “He lost. That was the deal, wasn’t it?”

Poe looks hesitant, wary, “You… you remember that?”

“I remember him losing, yes,” FN-2187 then explains, “I don’t remember a lot, but I remember that. Weakened by the lightsaber wound on his back, he tried to take on Yez’mera to spare your life. And he lost.”

Poe looks away, gaze searching, and then he turns back to look at FN-2187 with resolve, “You’re right, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this at all.”

“Okay,” FN-2187 pulls away, heading back through the trees again, leading the way through the dense woods.

“What is that?” Poe asks lowly.

FN-2187 looks ahead and realizes what Poe thinks he’s seeing, “They all wear black.”

“Oh,” Poe chuckles, “No armor?”

“We’re not at war,” FN-2187 shrugs, “It seemed pointless to have them in the jungle with all of their armor on when all they’re doing is helping the relief effort. I think it also makes it easier on your people, seeing their faces.”

“Definitely,” Poe agrees, “Not a bad idea at all.”

FN-2187 doesn’t respond as they join the troopers in the first building, most of them stopping and standing at attention when they see him.

“I told you before, at ease,” FN-2187 waves his hand dismissively, “This is General Dameron, he wanted to see how you all were faring.”

A few of them nod in recognition.

“Been a while since I came around. Any of you have any questions for me?” at once, a few hands come up, “476, go head.”

“Uhm, some of us,” she starts, then clears her throat, “A lot of us, actually, were wondering when we were going back to war.”

FN-2187 frowns, “What makes you think you’re going back to war at all?”

When they don’t respond, he explains the situation.

“The war is over,” he motions back to Poe, “We lost,” some of them drop their heads, “But we’re free people now. I’ve explained this once already, but I’ll explain it again. The war has been over for…”

“Three months,” Poe offers.

FN-2187 nods, “Three months,” he affirms, “Those of you that want to leave, make a new life for yourself, you can do that. I’m not your leader anymore. If you want to follow my orders, which you previously all agreed to do the last time we had this conversation, you can. But you don’t have to.”

They’re all silent.

“Do any of you want to leave?” he asks again, then offers a smile when no one says anything, “It’s okay if you want to leave. If you do, we can take you off planet, where ever you want to go.”

None of them say anything still.

“Next question. Yes, 311?”

“You said more stormtroopers are arriving?”

“It was cleared with the Resistance generals, yes,” FN-2187 confirms, “Fifty more will be arriving in…”

“Eight days,” Poe fills in the pause.

FN-2187 holds the hand out to Poe in agreement, “Eight days. So we’ll need the rest of the beds and the third building completed by then.”

“What about clothes?”

The group goes silent and the guy ducks down, looking scared and nervous.

“2257,” FN-2187 keeps the smile placed to show that he hasn’t done anything wrong, “Eight days. I promised you they would come in with the next batch of troopers. Then you can get out of the black.”

“I don’t ever want to wear black or white again,” 2257 says, then winces, “Is that okay?”

A few of them chuckle, Poe included.

“Wear whatever you want,” FN-2187 shrugs, “Wear yellow and purple, if you want. Have any of you been thinking about names?”

One of them raises their hand.

“3604?”

“I was thinking… Oh-for?” she offers and FN-2187 sighs.

“None of that, now,” he says, smiling sadly at her, “Don’t use your numbers. You can use your letters if you want. But don’t use your numbers.”

Another raises their hand.

“12.”

“What about…” he lifts his hands, excited, “Bracelet.”

FN-2187 blinks slowly at him a few times, then chuckles, “Yeah, if that’s what you want your name to be, do it. Any others?”

No one else comes forward.

“Alright, not bad,” FN-2187 motions for them to continue as they were, “Keep thinking of names.”

The troopers turn back to their bunks, some of them dressing down, FN-2187 takes note of three of them - two women and a man - huddling together on a bed.

As he’s watching them, he hears Poe lean in and speak lowly to him.

“We might want to have someone come over to teach them sex education,” he offers, “And maybe… give them some protection methods.”

FN-2187 looks back at him, “Protection? They already have armor.”

“Against pregnancy.”

“You can decide whether or not you want to get pregnant?”

Poe chuckles, touching his shoulder and guiding him back out of the building, “It’s like… a cover… something you put on to prevent semen from entering the body.”

“Like clothes?”

Poe squints at him through the rain, “Not really,” he looks around then, “Alright, where’s your hut?”

FN-2187 shakes his head, “Don’t have one.”

“Where do you sleep?”

“Where ever.”

Poe frowns, “You can’t sleep out in this rain.”

“It’s fine.”

“You’ll get sick.”

FN-2187 shrugs.

“That’s not an answer,” Poe sighs in frustration, “You wanna come back to the base? You can stay with me, if that’s okay.”

He only agrees to keep Poe from going on and on about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is already fully posted elsewhere (20k words). For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	6. Liberation Day

Coming to terms with himself wasn’t an easy, quick progression.

FN-2187 spent hours each day sometimes trying to keep himself at peace, to ignore his disadvantages and to try to not think of himself working in the negative. To not think that no matter what good he’s done or will do, that every horrible thing he’s done will always outweigh the good.

It isn’t made easier when one night, as he’s sleeping, he feels the unmistakable snap of something around his neck.

Before he even has time to open his eyes, he’s picked up by the object and dragged up onto his knees.

“Wh-” all air is shoved from his lungs when the kick hits him hard in the stomach.

Vision still blurry, the men above him - FN-2187 doesn’t know how many - start kicking and stomping violently onto him. He takes a hard hit in the jaw that rolls him a few times.

Hands scrabbling for purchase against the leaves and twigs on the jungle floor, he hears a cackle from one of them, harsh and low.

“Wh-” FN-2187 tries to ask again and this time when the man tries to hit him in the face, he grabs the fist and looks up into the surprised eyes.

He stands, holding out his other hand. But nothing happens.

“Force suppression, sith scum,” one of them says and tries to hit him again, but FN-2187 dodges, grabbing the arm and yanking him forward.

He slams his knuckles into the guy’s face so hard his head snaps back.

FN-2187 punches him again, lifting him and slinging him into another person. He kicks back at a third, grabbing his shirt and shoving him to the ground.

Movements blur together, his blood burning as he fights them off, growing more and more exhausted. He decides quickly that if he’s going to make it out of this fight, he needs to stop them from getting back up. Otherwise, they’ll just keep coming at him.

The first, he kicks in the chest, throwing him back into a tree and the man drops to the ground.

He goes in for the next, grabbing his face and jaw.

FN-2187 is a second from delivering a fatal blow when he hears a voice shouting.

“Stop, stop! Finn!”

He turns to see Rey and Ben staring at him with wide eyes, finally pulling him off of the man.

“What is going /on/?” Rey shouts, looking around at all of them, her face flushed, hair down and out of the buns.

“Rey,” Ben says.

She turns to them and Ben points to the collar around his throat.

“Oh… Finn,” she says, dropping to her knees and reaching out to him, “Oh, stars… I’m so sorry.”

She struggles with it for a moment, but manages to get it off of him, rubbing at his throat.

“They attacked you?” Ben asks then.

“I was asleep, I didn’t-”

“You were…” Ben stops and turns to the five men, staring at them in disgust, “With me. Each of you will spend the rest of the night in holding cells. We’ll deal with this in the morning, when Poe’s awake.”

FN-2187 stares as they leave, then turns to Rey, “How… how did you know?”

“Don’t look at me, /Ben/ was the one that woke up in the middle of the night and started looking for you like you were in the same room,” Rey smiles sadly, “Nearly scared me half to death.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she says dismissively, “I knew some of them were angry about… about everything. But I didn’t know they were angry enough to do this. You’re just as much a victim to everything that happened as they are.”

“You don’t have to make excuses for me.”

“I’m not.”

“What I did was wrong,” FN-2187 insists, “I know that. They all know that.”

Rey nods, “Yes, but that doesn’t mean that you deserve to be collared and beaten.”

“They weren’t even doing a good job of it.”

Rey laughs, dropping her forehead on his shoulder, “Let’s go get you cleaned up. I don’t know how you feel about sleeping right now-”

“Kind of don’t really feel like it,” FN-2187 admits, “I think I’ll just… try to get an early start on some of the construction.”

“/After/ we get you cleaned up and looked at.”

* * *

“Not only did your actions threaten what is /already/ a very tenuous treaty, but you attacked someone that was unarmed and outnumbered five to one,” Poe says, voice low and firm, “I’ve never been as ashamed of another human being as I am today.”

FN-2187 knocks gently, gathering their attention as he finally steps inside the room, “You asked for me?”

“F-FN-2187, yes, please,” Poe motions to the only other empty seat, “Please, sit.”

He does so, resting his hands in his lap.

“This man-” Poe points to him, “-is just as much a victim as the rest of us. He was brainwashed. And so were the other stormtroopers that are now in /our/ care. You all knew better. Out on the battlefield, it’s fight or die. But this is a time of peace now, and I expect every single member of the Resistance to respect that. He is a partner, his people are our brothers and sisters. Am I not being clear enough? Are any of you /still confused/ about our current situation?”

The five men, most of them with their heads bowed, shake them and mutter: “No, sir.” 

“Get out of my office and report to General Solo, you’re all on sanitation until we’re in a position where we can dismiss you fully. Until that point comes, I don’t want to hear another word from any of you.”

He turns his head as they leave, staring at FN-2187 for a long breath, then he steps around the desk and leans back against it. His hands reach out, touching the raised, bruised skin of FN-2187’s neck.

“I’m so sorry.”

FN-2187 feels his fingers tingle, the sensation spreading up the back of his neck and over his head, “I’m okay.”

“Rey told me everything,” Poe smiles sadly, “Said she actually jumped in to stop you from killing them.”

“She did,” he confirms.

“They probably would’ve deserved it,” Poe says then, surprising him, “But I’m glad there were no casualties for their insubordinations. I can’t believe it happened right under our noses.”

FN-2187 takes Poe’s hands from his skin, “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“It’s something you /shouldn’t have to/.”

“Poe-”

“I won’t have my men acting out any past aggressions,” Poe cuts him off, “That’s not who we are. That’s not what we do, what we stand for.”

FN-2187 stands up, “Did you need anything else from me?”

“I just wanted to formally apologize,” Poe says, cheeks turning pink, “And… maybe informally.”

“Informally?”

Poe smiles and shrugs, “You know what you mean to me.”

“What I meant to you.”

“/Mean/,” Poe corrects him, staring at him intensely, “What /you/ mean to me, FN-2187.”

He starts to open his mouth again when Rey’s voice interjects.

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” she starts, looking between them, “But the shipments have arrived.”

Poe straightens up, smiling at her, “Good. We should get going. FN-2187, care to join us?”

* * *

“Mind if I join you?”

FN-2187 straightens his back slightly when he hears the voice, “... No, go ahead,” he says, relaxing when she takes position on his left side, staring out at the sunset.

“I could practically hear you thinking from the base.”

He lifts a brow.

“I know you feel guilty about what you did,” Rey continues, taking in a deep breath as she rests a few rocks on top of some of the graves, “That’s the first step to making their deaths really mean something.”

“I don’t even have an excuse for what I did,” FN-2187 admits, dropping his gaze, “Before, I had someone in control, someone telling me what to do… this time… after Hux was killed… I have nothing to excuse my actions.”

“You were being brainwashed,” Rey takes his arm, “We’ve all been lost before.”

He shakes his head, “None of you did what I did.”

“So make amends,” Rey says firmly, her intense gaze eating into him, “Make it better by doing what you can for the people around you. You’re on the right path now. So follow it.”

“It doesn’t seem as obvious to me as it is to you and your people.”

She shrugs, “It isn’t always,” she looks back out again, smiling, “You can only do what you can in the moment.”

“I’m not him.”

“No, not really,” Rey agrees, “So be better than he was. Make him proud of what he’s become, not ashamed.”

She turns to him, motioning back, “I wanted to invite you for dinner. I know you’re nervous around our people, but I think a lot of them would like to see you, would like you to be a part of us. Poe would.”

FN-2187 feels his cheeks heat at the pointed mention of the other man, “Guess I can’t say ‘no’, can I?”

“You can make him proud, too,” Rey offers, “If that means something to you, still.”

“It does.”

“Then it’s settled.”

He follows her back to their base, surprised to see the group surrounding the fire, a few ex-stormtroopers intermingling. He sees them tense when he arrives, but he quickly relieves them.

“Finn,” Ben says, moving over and taking him quickly into his arms for an embrace. FN-2187 barely has time to react before the other man pulls back and holds him at arm's length, “I’m glad you decided to come.”

He takes the seat offered to him, suddenly surrounded by the other two force-sensitives, Rey handing him a plate and taking one of her own from the man next to her.

“Rey says you’ve been meditating?”

FN-2187 looks up from his food, nodding, “I didn’t really practice much of it before. I’m still not really comfortable with it but-”

“-re keeping our dignity. As long as we’re keepin’ our pride. We can all build a new history-”

Rey giggles as they all look up to the group singing together and that’s when FN-2187 sees a part in the crowd and Poe steps out from there, people singing and jeering back behind him, further in the dark.

“Anyone know who got them the spirits?”

FN-2187 sees a few people duck their heads.

Poe glances around, stopping on him, “Finn, hey.”

He clears his throat, the others getting silent and he nods, “Hey, Poe.”

“I’m glad you came.”

FN-2187 motions to Rey, “Someone extended an invitation.”

“It’s good-that’s good,” Poe says as someone offers him a plate and he takes it, “Absolutely, you should be here.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

Poe looks to Rey, “You didn’t tell him?”

“Tell me what?”

Rey smiles widely, motioning to Poe, “Care to enlighten him?”

“It’s Liberation Day,” Poe explains, the people around them lifting their drinks and crowing out a loud ‘Woo-UH’ sound that startles FN-2187, “Six years ago to the date, Ben abandoned the First Order and killed Snoke, with over two hundred thousand others following in the coming months, he joined our ranks and we finally turned the tide of the war.”

FN-2187’s eyes widen.

/Has it really been six years?/

But that… would mean… that he’s lost almost a year of his own time.

He smiles slowly, trying to keep his nerves down, “That’s… kind of a crazy coincidence, I guess.”

His attention slowly turns to Ben by his side. If this man can look past everything he has done in the name of the First Order, surely FN-2187 can as well.

Ben seems now like everything that is good in the galaxy, someone that has seen the darkness, walked into it, lived and thrived in it, and come back out the other side stronger than ever before. He has to be able to do the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is already fully posted elsewhere (20k words). For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	7. Names

FN-2187 moves in to look at the map, “What about over here? There’s plenty of space to build out further in this direction.”

Poe leans on his wrist to get a better view, “Actually, yeah. That could work,” he muses, wiping the sweat from his forehead and glancing over at Rey and Ben. He straightens and clears his throat, “Either of you have thoughts?”

“Mm,” Rey hums, not looking away from Ben.

FN-2187 mimics Poe, clearing his throat as well, “You two think we should put this off until tomorrow?”

Rey blushes, “Sorry, we were listening.”

“We were not listening,” Ben admits, gaze tightening when Rey elbows him in the side, “It could wait a day.”

“Good idea,” Poe says with narrowed eyes before sighing and standing back up.

FN-2187 straightens as well, turning the holoterminal off and following Poe out of the room.

“Meeting adjourned?” Rey asks.

“Meeting adjourned,” Poe responds loudly, making his way down the hall, “Maybe they need a day off.”

“You could all use one,” FN-2187 says, keeping the brisk pace, “You especially.”

He can feel Poe tense next to him, “I can’t stop. The /last/ thing I need is a break.”

“Then maybe get away from the camp?”

Poe tilts his head, seeming to consider the offer, “Maybe,” he looks at FN-2187, “How are your troopers doing?”

“They’re not really mine.”

“They’re pretty loyal to you,” Poe tells him, “Seem like your troopers to me.”

FN-2187 chuckles, “They’re…” he sighs, leading them out down the path, “They’re still working on some things. Care to see for yourself?”

Poe scratches his forehead, “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get away from my side of things. I like seeing how your troopers are progressing.”

“It isn’t easy guiding them through something I’ve barely done myself,” FN-2187 finally says aloud, though he stops walking and keeps his voice low, not wanting to reach the earshot of any wandering troopers, “I… I still don’t understand a lot of things, I’m still going by my slave name, I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“Maybe it’s time we start getting /you/ educated,” Poe suggests, “You’ve been doing a great job so far. I’ve seen you with them. If there’s anyone that /should/ be their leader, it’s you. And stuff it if you don’t know everything, at least you’ll have some idea of the things they must be feeling.”

FN-2187 feels his shoulders slump at Poe’s confident persistence and he crosses his arms over his chest, “I can’t lead them at all if I don’t follow my own example.”

“Meaning..?”

“I need a name.”

Poe blushes, looking away, “I mean, I hate to be biased, but ‘Finn’ isn’t a bad name.”

“I’m not him, Poe.”

“No, you’re not, you’re different,” Poe agrees, holding a hand up, “And I’m not saying you don’t have a choice. You one hundred percent have a choice. But if you’re fighting the name because of expectations - mostly from me - I promise that won’t be a problem.”

FN-2187 swallows tightly when he hears the strain in the other man’s voice.

“You’re right,” Poe says then, throwing his arms out, “The Finn I know is gone. But technically, I gave /you/ that name. He wasn’t everything he came to be known as /before/ I gave him that name.” Poe presses his palms together, staring at him firmly now, “I don’t care about what was taken away. Okay, I do, but that’s-it’s not gone completely. The foundation is still there.”

He stares silently, brows raising.

“He came from you, one hundred percent. And that’s a fact that neither of us can overlook,” Poe smiles sadly, “Where that person was formed, it was because of you - because of the things you’ve seen, the things you’ve been through. I barely had anything to do with it. You’re a good person. I don’t expect you to be him. I don’t. I have the confidence that you’ll become an even better man. You may not be able to see the progress that was made, but who cares? People start again all the time, sometimes with /nothing/ to go off of.”

“Okay, okay, I’m convinced,” he folds, tamping down the urge to grab Poe and kiss him.

Of the things he’s been told in the last few weeks, he hadn’t realized that the one he needed to hear it from the most was Poe. Out of everyone that knew him before, this is the man he was most intimate with. Before, and possibly now as well.

“I’m convinced,” Finn says again, then he frowns, “Are you okay?”

“Me?” Poe looks around, points at himself, “Me?”

“Yeah.”

The older man starts patting himself down, checking his face last, “Uh, yeah. I’m fine. What?”

“I mean about all of… what’s happened between us,” Finn explains, “Our last couple pretty big talks, you… didn’t really seem to be handling this so well.”

“I grieved for the man I knew,” Poe says, then waves his hand when Finn looks surprised, “Not now, I mean before we even came back to Yavin IV. I grieved for months, drank myself into a state. Everybody has their coping methods. You just… our last real talk I think finally put a lot of things into perspective. I’ve been so focused on getting him back that I didn’t stop to think about moving on, moving forward.”

Finn nods in understanding, motioning for them to continue the trek through the dense jungle, “So you’re okay?”

“Better than okay,” Poe responds.

They eventually reach the open clearing where the troopers lodgings are and Finn rolls his eyes when he sees the state of it.

“Wow,” Poe says in surprise, drawing the word out.

“These are /my/ followers,” Finn holds his hand out, sighing, “They’ve been… going about like this for the better part of two weeks now.”

Poe chuckles, “Every kid has that stage, I guess.”

Finn looks at him, confused.

“Uh, growing up,” Poe explains, “About ages… three to six or so? All you wanna do is streak around naked.”

“They were doing great with the clothes at first,” Finn tells him as a group of naked troopers run past them, giggling, “It took /one/ person. One. 2255. She was the culprit.”

“/She/?” Poe asks, then barks out a laugh, “Well, I guess there had to be that.”

Finn shakes his head, “I’m just glad they’re not so scared of me anymore.” He raises his voice, “476, you’ve got them on backwards,” he says to the /only/ person wearing clothes, “The buttons are always in the front. On pretty much everything.”

The fellow stormtrooper takes off their pants, then flings them on top of one of the buildings.

“That… works… I guess.”

Poe laughs loudly, “Nice job, you turned probably the last one wearing clothes into a nudist.”

“Probably,” Finn agrees, reaching up to scratch his ear, “Is it wrong that I kind of envy them?”

“Who wouldn’t?” Poe asks rhetorically, “I kind of envy them, myself. Last nudist colony I spent time at was /years/ ago.”

Finn lifts a brow, “Do I… want to know?”

“Probably not. There are some stories that could come out of that that I’d really rather not like to explain.”

Finn nudges him, eyes wide with surprise, “You’re messing with me, right?”

“Wish I was, buddy. Wish I was.”

* * *

_He’s leaving the speeder, he’s walking through the door._

_Looking, looking, searching..._

_“Poe?” Finn checks their bedroom, then sees the light on in the bathroom and he rushes in, “Poe? You’re home?”_

_“Yup, all here,” Poe smiles, then stops doing so when Finn rushes to the tub._

_He barely takes a second to toe off his shoes before he’s climbing in, relief filling him as he leans down, “When did you get back?”_

_“You’re getting water on the ground-”_

_“Shut up,” he says, pressing their lips together._

_Poe moans and reaches up, wrapping his hands over Finn’s shoulders, soaking the collar of his shirt._

_He puts his second foot in the water, the pant legs clinging to his ankles, and then he drops to his knees in the water and reaches out for Poe, fingers curling in his wet hair._

_“I missed you-” Poe whimpers._

_Finn sucks his lip hungrily, nibbling so hard that he draws blood._

_Poe scrabbles to try and take off his shirt, moving to the buttons but tearing a few._

_Finn grabs his legs, hoisting him into his lap. He drops his mouth to Poe’s chest, rocking their bodies together._

_“Finn,” Poe lets out a broken sob, “Please-”_

* * *

Finn hoists up the log, tying it into place before grabbing the next. He reaches the end of the twine, glancing around and though he can’t see the next roll from his vantage point, he knows it’s there.

He closes his eyes, holding his free hand out and feeling for it where it rests at the foot of the left wall.

The moment the string touches his hand, he gets back to it, joining the two pieces with a knot and crisscrossing the rope to tighten the log into place.

He moves to the next, shifting back for more space.

“Need a hand?”

Finn glances up, stopping when he sees Poe standing just at the break in the trees.

“Not that you look like you need one,” he teases.

“I’m almost finished.”

“This looks amazing,” Poe motions to it, “It’s actually… really impressive.”

He shrugs, “Yeah, well, someone complained that I was sleeping under the stars.”

“Complained that you were sleeping outside, stop making it sound so romantic,” Poe walks around the side of the hut.

“I’m just trying to enjoy being free,” Finn says, finishing the last few logs and climbing down, stepping off the side and landing in front of Poe, “Nothing wrong with that, is there?”

“Well, when you say it like that,” Poe smiles, “And besides, you never know when-”

“-the next rain is,” Finn nods a few times, putting his hands on his waist, “I know.”

A comfortable silence settles between them as Finn starts cleaning up the leftover tools and wood, packing it up. Poe watches, offering to help a few times, but for the most part just leans against the newly constructed house and watches.

Finn is eventually the first one to break it, realizing he’s being stared at, “Did you guys need anything?”

“Nope,” Poe says innocently, “Just came to see you. Check up on… I just came to see you.”

“Ah,” Finn straightens up, “So Paper told you that I had another nosebleed.”

Poe casts his gaze down, then nods, “Yeah, she… might’ve mentioned something about it. I ever tell you that your troopers are picking /weird/ names? Paper? Human? Cantina?”

“Better than 332, 15, and 0707.”

“True,” Poe agrees, “I still can’t take them seriously.”

“It took me three hours to talk Paper into /not/ naming herself ‘Dirt’.”

“Oh no.”

“Yeah.”

Poe shakes his head, “I guess that really /is/ an improvement,” he clears his throat, “So, about this nosebleed.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“So you say,” Poe looks him over, “And I’d disagree if I wasn’t able to see that you’re in… amazing physical condition.”

Finn smiles slightly, “Thank you.”

“Was it a memory?”

He nods.

Poe wets his lips, gaze wavering, “I thought you’ve been trying to suppress them, why now?”

Finn wipes the sweat from his face and chest, tossing the soaked shirt into a bucket of rags and other things he needs to clean, “I don’t know. I never really get the same one twice, so maybe they’ll eventually run their course.”

“What was it about?”

“Curious?” he smirks, ducking his chin and looking at Poe.

“That’s not fair,” Poe points, blushing and breaking their locked eyes, “I’m just asking… to-because-”

“Because you want to know if it was something personal,” Finn finishes, “It was.”

Poe blushes more.

“I remember getting in a bath with you with all of my clothes on. It got… really intense.”

They both let out a shared breath, meeting eyes again and chuckling.

“I’m sorry,” Poe says then, brows furrowing, “I hate that you’re… plagued by all of these memories. I wish there was something I could do.”

“It’s not like it’s charted territory,” Finn shrugs, “I don’t mind them so much.”

Poe swallows tightly.

“I didn’t mean for that to come out the way it did,” Finn clarifies, now blushing as well, “I just mean that it’s… it’s nice having an idea of what happened. I kind of prefer it vague, but it’s comforting to have a general idea.”

“I could tell you some things,” Poe offers, “I-if… if that wouldn’t be too much.”

Finn smiles, “Yeah, I’d actually like that. Not now, though,” he admits, motioning back, “I’ve been putting it off all day, but I really should put some time aside to meditate.”

Poe doesn’t say anything until he’s seated, and then the ex-pilot takes the spot directly in front of him, facing him.

Finn waits, but when Poe doesn’t speak up, he has to ask, “You stayin’?”

“I didn’t just come out here to check up on you,” Poe says, “Kinda wanna spend time with my favorite person. That’s not a problem, is it?”

“Not for a second.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rest of this fic is already fully posted elsewhere (20k words). For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	8. Sex Ed

“Captain?”

Finn blinks one eye open, both eyes widening when he sees the crowd of naked troopers standing at the edge of the woods.

“... Yes?”

Holo, the one he assumes called out for him in the first place, ducks his head when he says: “We… have a question, sir.”

Finn smiles and nods, motioning out for him, “Go ahead, what is it?” then he stops and frowns, “Is this about what we talked about yesterday?”

Some of them nod, Holo included.

Finn feels his shoulders bunch up as his back straightens.

“Okay, let’s hear it. I’ll… answer to the best of my ability.”

Holo puffs out his own chest, a few of the others clutching onto him like a lifeline. It’s not unlike how they are around Finn all the time.

“Is it normal-” Holo starts, “At all… is it… is it normal… to want to put your mouth on someone else’s cock?”

Finn blinks, staring at the group of troopers.

“It’s just that…” Holo swallows, now looking nervous, “Some of us keep wanting to, and we’re not sure if that’s normal. It-”

“I bet it would feel /amazing/,” one of the guys says.

Holo shushes him, then looks back at Finn again, “Sorry, sir. It’s an important question. Can we do it?”

Finn tilts his head slightly, considering the question. He never thought to ask, when Ben and Dr. Kalonia were teaching him about biology and recreational sex. But he doesn’t see why not. What harm could it possibly do?

“Like if I fuck and I don’t cum, can someone just… suck it instead? Can I cum in someone’s mouth? Can they swallow it? Can /I/ swallow it? What about-”

Finn raises his hand to stop Holo from talking, his heart racing and his eyes wide, “Stop.”

Holo stops, the group wincing, some even cowering.

Finn stands up, looking between them all, “Out of everything you could ask me… this is what’s important?” They all nod furiously. He sighs. “Do what you want,” he shrugs, “Just remember the number one rule.”

“Make sure it’s consensual,” they all say together, feet pressing together as they straighten their bodies.

“I’m… glad you asked,” Finn says, though he doubts he knows enough about all of this to even really form an opinion about it, “You should always feel like you can ask me anything.”

Saying that was his mistake.

After nearly two weeks of nonstop, back-to-back questions about sex, positions, pairings, places where things can be inserted, Finn finally decides he can’t answer appropriately anymore.

“I can’t tell them,” Finn admits, “I don’t know anything about it. They’re all constantly doing things with one another. I shouldn’t be surprised, the way they talk about it to me.”

“Are you… saying you… want to start experimenting with them as well?”

“No!” Finn’s eyes nearly bug out, then he clears his throat, looking away from Poe, “Stars, no. N-not… not with them. I just… you’re attractive-” Poe smiles and blushes, “-you’ve got to know how to answer some of these questions better than I do.”

“Probably,” Poe crosses his arms over his chest, “Like what, exactly?”

Finn groans and mutters out the latest one they asked, the one that prompted him to finally come to Poe.

“They what?”

He mutters it again.

The color drains from Poe’s face, “They’re… they’re asking you about /choking/?”

“That’s not…” Finn tries to clarify, “Not with their hands. Like…” he motions his hips, his hands out in front of him.

Poe coughs, uncrossing his legs and shifting in his seat, “Ah.”

Finn nods, “Yeah.”

“Ah,” Poe says again, “W-... well-”

“Out of the Resistance, you’re the most open, the most honest,” Finn tells him, “And I know that Rey and Ben are still young, they haven’t really-”

“Right, right,” Poe chuckles, “Wait, are you saying you’re asking me because you think I’ve had a lot of sex?”

Finn tilts his head to one side, then to the other, “Kind of, yeah. You seem the most experienced.”

“To be fair, you’re probably right.”

“And you’re open about things, or…” Finn’s brows furrow, trying to think of the way to word it properly, “You’re open-minded. You’re attracted to both men and women-”

“All genders, really.”

“-and… right, right!” Finn motions to him, “Exactly. And these guys, they need someone that can talk to them about these kinds of things. Someone that knows what they’re talking about and someone that will be honest with them.”

“And you think that’s me?”

He shrugs, “Can you think of anyone better?”

“Didn’t they already have a few education classes?”

“Yes, but they were just about the simple things,” Finn starts listing off, “Sex can be recreational, it’s healthy, how to properly use protection, people can have multiple partners. That kind of thing.”

Poe nods in understanding, “So… not so much about double penetration and oral sex and various other kinks.”

“What’s double pene-” he stops, “No… I think I realize what that is now.”

Poe smiles sheepishly.

Finn narrows his eyes, “How does that work? With two guys and a girl? Three guys? Three girls?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

Poe stands from his seat, walking around and leaning against the back of it, “Alright, I’ll talk to them. I’ll answer their most current questions. But I think assigning them with some work would be beneficial.”

“Work?” Finn asks in confusion.

“How close are these troopers? Would you say they’re… all having sex with one another?”

“Definitely.”

“They’re all open to each other?”

Finn nods confidently, “You know how open they are with me, it’s like that with all of them.”

“Good,” he motions to Finn, “Walk with me.”

Finn stands up immediately, following Poe out of the room and down the hall. They stop by the storage room and Poe sifts through some of the boxes.

“Aha!” he tries to lift it, “Oh, yeah, didn’t think about how heavy-”

Finn reaches out, plucking up the box effortlessly and looking at Poe, “Where do you want it?”

Poe stares at him, looking him over and then smirking, “They’re datapads,” he explains, “Let’s take them to your troopers?”

“Okay,” Finn agrees, stepping out of the storage room and continuing alongside the general, “What do they need datapads for?”

“I’ve got a few things that might help… enlighten them.”

“Like a study?”

“Not exactly,” Poe glances down at it, “You don’t know what porn is, do you?”

Finn shakes his head.

“That’s okay, that’s fine,” he pats Finn’s back, “You sure you’re good carrying that? That thing is /heavy/.”

Finn chuckles, “This? This is easy.”

“Okay, showoff.”

They stare at one another for a moment, Finn watching the line of sweat drip down to the dip of Poe’s throat.

“Maybe.”

Poe’s gaze flickers away and he smiles, “So, none of them have propositioned you yet?”

“What, with sex?”

“Yeah.”

“They have,” Finn admits, “I woke up the other morning with a few of them in my hutt.”

Poe’s eyes widen, “They didn’t-”

“No, they understand consent /very/ well,” Finn tells him quickly, “That’s the number one rule, the first thing I told them. If consent is not verbally given by a person of sound mind, you can’t do anything.”

“Good.”

Finn nods, “Didn’t really stop them from trying to climb on me, but they do that all the time anyway. They’re very touchy.”

“Tactile,” Poe explains, “I’m like that, too.”

“... Oh,” he laughs, “I guess you are.”

“So are you, believe it or not.”

“I believe it, I wanna touch you all the time.”

The both of them stop, faltering in their steps for a beat, but then Finn tries to recover.

“I… I didn’t mean that like it… came out.”

“It’s okay if you did,” Poe shrugs, “I know how difficult it is, with our history.”

“It is,” Finn mutters, voice low, “And I do… kind of mean it like that…”

“But?”

He shrugs, “I don’t know how it was last time, I don’t know what would be okay to do.”

Poe smiles at him, “Hey, whatever you want… sometimes you gotta do what you want. Consent is all fine and dandy, but it’s also okay to be a little spontaneous, so long as you give the other person time to duck out. And it’s okay if they do that, too. It’s also okay if you just don’t want to do anything in the first place. This doesn’t have to be… what it was before.”

Finn nods, growing silent as they finally reach the clearing.

Poe takes up one of the seats as Finn gathers the troopers, whistling out to catch their attention.

Nose and Steel walk around from the back building a little later than the rest, their bodies flushed, but they all take a seat.

“Alright,” Finn starts, looking around at all of them, “I told you guys I would get some answers. General Poe is here to answer anything you’re unsure of, anything you want to know. But you’ve gotta ask it.”

He takes a seat by Poe, motioning for him to take the lead.

“Raised hands, please,” Poe smiles, then looks to Finn, “You know their names better than I do.”

“Cloud, go ahead.”

“A-about gagging during oral sex-”

Poe chuckles, “Right to the point, are we?” a few of them nod, expressions serious, “Gagging is a very normal, human reaction. If you and your partner are okay with it, that’s all that matters. If you’re doing something a little more dangerous, choking your partner by shoving in as far as you can go, that’s okay too, just be careful. /Never/ hold them longer than they can handle. Make a safe word, or something they can do to let you know it’s too much. Tapping you, trying to turn away, trying to push you off.”

Another one raises their hand.

“Sift.”

“What if I like it when they do those things, and we…” he struggles with his words, “We pretend-”

“Pretending to not want it? Pretending that it’s too much?” Poe asks to clarify.

He nods.

“That’s definitely okay, too,” Poe says, shrugging, “If that’s the case, make it something more complicated, so that you know it’s /really/ too much. You don’t want to hurt them - not really, not permanently. You want it to be enjoyable for both people involved. So… things you can do to tell your partner you need to breathe? Taking their hand, pinching them, slapping or patting their side.”

Finn watches, otherwise silent as Poe goes through each and every one of their questions, stunned and awed by the man’s confidence and vast knowledge. He’s so clear and careful with everything he says to the troopers, making sure to address any possible misunderstandings they could have.

Fortunately, he goes over most of the other questions the group has been asking Finn. Reconfirming some of the things he had been unsure of initially.

“Is that it? No more questions for now?” he asks, finally turning his attention to the box and taking a handful of datapads out, “Alright. Give me a moment to show you how to navigate through our database. I’m aware that it’s impossible for me to cover everything today, but hopefully this will help you all and clarify things that I can’t explain very well through words alone.”

He shows a few of them directly, then Finn assists in handing out the rest of the datapads. There aren’t enough for everyone, but Finn assumes this is why Poe asked if the troopers are open with one another.

The group eventually disperses and Poe stands beside Finn, watching the last of them leave.

“Thank you for doing this, Poe.”

“Anytime.”

“Really,” Finn turns to look him in the eyes, “I’ve been able to teach them pretty much everything else just fine. Clothes… they’ll get to that when they want to. I was more focused on their survivability, and morals. But this, I knew I could count on you.”

Poe smiles slightly, “It’s actually pretty interesting hearing where most of their concerns come from. You have a good group of people,” he pats Finn’s back, “They’re gonna wanna explore a lot of things about themselves.”

“Yeah.”

“What about you?”

Finn lifts his brows, “Me?”

Poe nods, “Yeah, you. You must have a thousand questions.”

Finn shakes his head slightly, “Not… not really about sex.”

“Then about..?”

He shifts his feet, looking down. He /does/ have questions, plenty of them. When will it be okay? Is it okay already? Did he miss his chance? Has he made a mistake, waiting so long? Should he wait longer? Is /he/ ready? Is Poe ready?

“Finn?”

“Maybe some other time,” he says and looks back up, seeing the intense emotions on Poe’s face. He’s never seen the ex-pilot look so conflicted before.

Poe reaches up to clap his shoulder, “Take your time, whatever you need.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For full releases at once, check out my tumblr @ Bigdealrebel!


	9. Swimming Lessons

“How do you know there aren’t any predators in the lake?”

Poe laughs, tossing a thin rock out into the water, “How do I know?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” he motions out, “First of all, you would see signs of entry and tracks to and from the lake - there are none. You would also see fecal matter, or some kind of muck in the water. This water is clear. The only things in this lake are fishes.”

Finn stares at him skeptically, “How can you be sure?”

“Because I live here.”

“We all do.”

Poe chuckles again and shoves Finn, “No, you nerf-herder. I grew up here. I was born and raised on Yavin IV.”

“Seriously?”

“Dead serious.”

Finn blinks, then looks back out at the lake, “I’ve never swam before.”

“No?”

He shakes his head, “I guess they didn’t see any reason for us to learn. Besides, our armor was too heavy. We’d sink.”

“You’ve never been in water that encompassed your body?”

“I wash off in the lake,” Finn admits, frowning, “But I don’t go all the way in. I go to the shallow side.”

Poe looks at him in disbelief, “No way. We’re going swimming right now.”

“I told you, I don’t know how to swim.”

“Then I’ll show you.”

He watches as Poe stands up and starts taking off his clothes - first his jacket, then his boots.

“Do I have to get undressed to go in the water?”

“Just down to your underwear,” Poe says, folding his pants.

Finn stares up at him, unable to take his eyes from the thick build of the other man. He’s different than Finn’s memories try to portray him, but Finn likes it. He doesn’t look it so much when he has clothes on, although the line of his jaw and chin show the weight gain a little. But seeing him in the tight black undershorts…

Finn realizes his mouth is watering.

It’s a strange sensation he’s only ever felt when eating, or maybe a few moments strung on by nerves, but he’s not really nervous now.

“See something you like?”

His gaze snaps up and he meets Poe’s eyes, “I… yes.”

Poe chuckles, “Well, get your clothes off, already. How else am I gonna teach you how to swim?”

Finn watches him step into the water and he finally gets up himself. He unhooks his belt, removes the red wrap holding his black top closed and sets them on the ground, then takes off his pants and boots.

Poe’s gaze runs over him a few times, Finn isn’t sure, but he thinks he hears the other man mutter: “Stars.”

He steps carefully down, sinking until just his upper torso is left above the water, “Oh… I was expecting it to be colder.”

“Not on /this/ moon.”

Finn starts shaking, staying close to the edge of the lake.

“Hold your arms out,” Poe reaches under the water to guide him, then grabs his hips to lead him further out, “It can get a little exhausting, once you move your feet from a safe depth, but I doubt /you’ll/ have a problem with that.”

He flounders a little, but follows the instructions Poe gives him, dunking his head underwater and coming back up. They circle one another, moving further and further out until they’re nearly in the middle of the lake.

It’s not so bad. He still shakes, nerves wracked by not only the water itself, but still the possibility of predators in the lake.

“Breathe,” Poe guides him, “Straighten out horizontal. Bring your legs out, arms up and out. Perfect.”

He feels the hands under his back, leading him on.

“Body floating is one of the easiest things to do in the water. Little effort, great payoff,” Poe’s hand moves along his arms, slowly bringing them back to the shore.

Finn straightens up, standing a little in the water and hears the intake of breath from behind him. He turns, expecting to see something, but Poe just stands there, his eyes wide, “What?”

Poe frowns sadly, “I just… sorry. I haven’t really seen your back.”

“Oh,” Finn realizes, he had almost forgotten himself, “Yeah, I don’t… I guess I kind of remember that.”

“Yez’mera…”

“Right.”

Poe turns back, climbing out of the water and drying himself off with his jacket.

Finn follows suit and grabs his wrap, wiping his face and chest dry. He dresses, keeping the belt and wrap off and just pulling on his pants and top, leaving it open as he starts to walk back towards his hutt but stops when he feels the hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, I’m…”

Finn turns to look at Poe.

“I’m sorry about that,” the other man motions back, holding his jacket in his freehand, his boots in the other, but otherwise fully dressed, “I’m not… really… sure… if that kind of thing is okay to talk about with you.”

He stares silently, heart racing.

“I just hadn’t seen it after the initial… after… after what happened,” Poe tries to explain. He’s quiet again, wet hair wild from his attempt to dry it with his jacket.

Finn nods.

“I thought you were dead,” Poe swallows, looks away, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if-”

Finn moves, reaching out and grabbing Poe’s cheeks, pulling him in and pressing their lips together.

The sound from the other man is something mixed between a gasp and a whimper, dropping his jacket and boots and reaching out. Finn feels the arms wrapping around him, clasping tightly.

He steps in, taking Poe’s whole jaw in one hand, the other moving around to grip a handful of curly hair.

Poe arches into him, trying to press their bodies together as much as he can.

Finn pulls his hair back, shoving his tongue into the open mouth and tasting something both familiar and foreign. It’s the same as the scent he sometimes catches on Poe, warm and inviting. Like a home he’s never been to.

He moves his mouth to Poe’s jaw and neck, finally dropping his forehead to the other man’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I’ve wanted to do that for some time now.”

Poe chuckles, hands running up and down his back, “That makes two of us.”

“I just didn’t know…” Finn turns, kissing what exposed skin he can, “I /don’t/ know what’s okay to do.”

“Whatever you want,” Poe tells him calmly, arching his neck, “I’m yours, Finn. I’m always yours.”

The problem is, Finn doesn’t really know the words for most of what he wants to do. Or, rather, he knows some of the words, but he’s never really done any of them before. He has no clue what he’s doing.

Poe seems to realize this, backing Finn up a few steps to push him up against the nearest tree. He pushes open Finn’s top, shoving it off of his shoulders.

“Let me know if I’m moving too fast for you,” he says, right hand dropping down to untie the strip of fabric holding his pants closed as the left thumbs his right nipple.

Finn can hear his heart racing in his ears. He’s never really touched himself, but feeling Poe’s hand brush over the front of his pants would probably feel unusual regardless. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m okay,” he says, all breath and barely words.

Poe smiles, kissing him again and then those coarse fingers curl under the hem of his undershorts, pushing down and wrapping around the shape of his hardening cock.

His mouth drops open, shaking hands reaching out to grab Poe’s shoulders.

“Too fast, buddy?”

“No,” Finn mumbles weakly, “No, it’s… I… you’re forward, I like it.”

Poe chuckles and leans in to kiss him again, a few times, “Figured it’d be easier if we skipped some steps.”

“Ye-… -ah,” Finn manages, choking back a groan when the hand shifting over his skin stops to push his pants further down.

Poe kisses him once more, then starts trailing them, past Finn’s neck and collarbone, stopping to take a nipple between his lips. He lingers, tongue running over the hardened bud, and then drops fully to his knees.

Finn blinks the sweat from his eyes, staring down at the beautiful man, mouth opening to say something, anything, but then those lashes flutter. Poe wraps his lips around his cock, one hand on his waist, the other around the base. He nearly loses his footing, thankful at once for being moved to lean against the tree.

He shudders, grabbing the hair at the base of Poe’s neck as he wills his eyes to stay on the other man. He drags his free fingers through the stubble of Poe’s jaw, thumbing his cheekbone and staring as Poe bobs his head forward and back.

Finn barely lasts a minute, but it isn’t until the eyes open again, Poe staring up at him through his long lashes, that Finn cums.

It surprises both of them, Poe’s expression changing, morphing into a look of concentration as he swallows. But Finn doesn’t have any patience for it, yanking Poe up by his hair and kissing him heatedly.

What he tastes, sharp and bitter, he assumes is seminal fluid. It’s a strange mix of musk, again familiar but not.

He doesn’t know what he wants to do, but he knows he wants… /something/.

His tongue runs over Poe’s, one hand moving to his waist and then he hoists him up, stepping a few feet forward before dropping them both and pushing Poe to the ground. Fumbling hands unsnap the buttons of Poe’s pants, shoving them down.

“Finn!” Poe groans into his mouth, dropping his head back to stare up at him.

“This okay?”

“That’s my line,” Poe breathes out, smirking.

Finn shifts their bodies together, pushing up Poe’s shirt in an attempt to get as much skin touching as he can, “I… mean… it…”

“Yeah, buddy,” Poe says, cheeks flushed pink, “Yeah, it’s good.”

Finn doesn’t ask again, turning Poe’s jaw and dragging hard kisses along the line of his stubble, more teeth than lips.

“Stars…”

He shifts his hand between them, running his fingers through the coarse hair, up Poe’s stomach to his chest. Tentatively, he grazes his nails over a nipple, taking the intake of breath as a sound of encouragement.

Their bodies rock, Poe arching beneath him, his hands dropping to grab Finn’s hips and guide theirs together.

It probably isn’t the most put together method to get anything done, but Poe doesn’t complain. Instead, he cums quickly and the two of them eventually still their movements, holding onto one another as they catch their breath.

Finn curls against Poe, dropping his weight finally and running his hand over the other man’s skin.

They rest in silence, Finn settling his head on Poe’s shoulder as they finish drying, laid out in the grass. He tastes the white fluid on Poe’s skin curiously.

“So that happened.”

Finn looks up, moving his hand up when he sees the red marks forming on Poe’s jaw, “I’ve never… I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever lost control like that before.”

“A couple times,” Poe tells him, leaning into his touch and closing his eyes, “No complaints here.”

“I didn’t hurt you?”

Poe shrugs, “I doubt it. Even if you did, pain is sometimes more involved with sex than you would think it should be.”

“We didn’t really have sex.”

“Not really,” Poe agrees, “But it’s all kind of the same to me.”

“What was it like before?”

Poe opens an eye, glancing down at him, “Mm?”

“Sex, I mean,” Finn lifts up onto his elbow, “What was it like?”

Poe blinks a few times, “Uh… we never actually had sex.”

Finn finds that hard to believe.

“I mean it,” Poe chuckles, “We did all kinds of other things. We certainly came close a few times. But no.”

“Some of the memories I’ve seen…”

“Like I said, we’ve gotten close,” Poe stretches, yawning and turning into him, “I was taking my time.”

“I don’t think I can wait a year.”

Poe barks out a laugh, pushing him down and standing up to shift his pants down, “Yeah, that makes two of us.”

“I don’t know if I can go again.”

“Oh no, me neither,” the other man says, walking to the water, “Just gonna rinse off.”

Finn pulls his pants up, tying them and rolling onto his stomach to watch Poe step into the water. He stares after him, “Who was the one that wanted to wait?”

“Me, I think,” Poe tells him, running water over his chest and arms, “I don’t really know. We didn’t talk about it.”

“Thought it would come natural?”

“Something like that.”

“But it didn’t.”

Poe shrugs, “Not in time, at least.”

“And then you thought I was dead,” Finn says, frowning, “And then I… that’s awful.”

“If history has taught me anything, it’s to expect the worst,” Poe responds as he finishes up, climbing back on land and getting dressed.

Finn stands once he’s done, moving to Poe and taking his hands to pull him in, “Not this time,” he says firmly, “I don’t know if the war is really over, or if there won’t be another, or if we won’t see these kinds of things again… but I’m in this. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Finn-”

“I love you.”

Poe closes his mouth, eyes widening.

“Shouldn’t be surprising.”

The ex-pilot smiles slowly and leans in to kiss him, “Fair enough.”

Finn drops Poe’s hands, grabbing his waist and holding him close as he kisses him again and again, then his cheek, then his brow and temple.

“I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re terrible at hiding anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left this quite open-ended. Might do a short fer you guys if you wanna see the boys get it on or something (FINALLY). If you wanna give more input, check out where I post things first and foremost (sometimes only), the link can be found over on my Tumblr @BigDealRebel.


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